


This old walrus

by trans_dan



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, M/M, Other, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, The Captain is Gay (Ghosts TV 2019)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-03-09 08:37:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18913402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trans_dan/pseuds/trans_dan
Summary: Cw: Self harm (The Captain walking though objects to feel)The Captain had to be strong and independentand that's exactly what he was, according to the other ghosts anyway but he was actually weak and a sad soul behind his mask.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so I hope you like it.

The Captain was a soldier in WW2, he had to be strong and independent and that's exactly how everyone saw him. Everyone in Button House also saw him as rude, over bearing and egocentric.

All the ghosts were in the living room all stood around in a circle, brain storming ideas to try and stop Mike and Alison from selling the house to the hotel company. At the start it was only Kitty who was pleased that she'd have new friends in the house but as time passed they were all in the house together, each ghost had their own favourite perks of living with new guests. Pat loved being able to be friendly and share information. Lady Button loved Alison being able to remove all the paintings of her chesting husband George and The Captain enjoyed having strong men around the house, not that he'd admit that to anyone.

'Strike them while they are weak, the insufferable noises they make during the night. All the banging and drilling. It's unbearable. We must get them to leave at once!' The Captain had said to the other ghosts who were all stood around him. He did like Mike and Alison but he just couldn't stand people finding out his secret and sharing it with the other ghosts. What would they think of him?

'You can't boss us around like that. You aren't the leader of us.' Kitty replied on behalf of the group, clearly having enough of The Captain.

'A...A...Amen!' Piped in Mary, supporting her friend.

'We're not soldiers! It's not the war.' Argued Fanny.

All the other ghosts nodded in agreement. The Captain's heart broke slightly, not that he let this show. He was the ranking officer, how comep no one respect him, he thought trying to think of a reply quickly. The Captain straightened his jacket and cleared his throat and gripped his knuckles onto his light brown swagger stick, that never left his side.

'If this is how you all feel then I shall retreat. You will need me in the end!' He said dryly then he marched out the room trying to look confident. 

'Good ridden' shouted Robin.

The Captain mulling over what had happened let out a deep sigh. He tried to keep out the dark thoughts that he wasn't a good enough person or soldier but he knew these thoughts were true and the other members of the house hold had just confirmed this. He just really needed to be alone.

He walked back to his room all while debating whether to go for a stroll in the gardens to keep his mind off his awful life. He just kept walking until he ended up back at his room. That's what had to be done. For the next few hours he isolated himself in his room with the thoughts 'you're not good enough' 'you're not our leader' 'weak' 'usless' ran through his mind until he couldn't talk it any longer. He dropped his swagger stick in defeat, letting it clatter to the floor.

He'd only done this before on a few occasions, when he felt numb and alone. No marks were left upon his lifeless body only the pain that he felt. The Captain took a deep breath trying to calm himself. Slowly, he ran his hand through the bed post keeping his hand there for a few seconds. The pain rushed through him. He knew he deserved this and he knew he needed more. The Captain moved over to the wardrobe and pushed half of his body through into it. Hissing and smiling he moved slightly to keep his body awake.

After another hour or so The Captain still felt low but decided the other ghosts must need his help by now so he walked back towards the living room. Before he got through the door he heard laughter.

'I'm The Captain and I know everything' Kitty laughed.

'I'm in charge and no one can disagree with me' The whole room laughed and giggled. That comment stung The Captain.

'I'm into men who are strong and who do as I say.'

That was the final straw for The Captain, how could they know he was gay. Is that why they didn't like him? Either way The Captain did have a lover back in the war, Jack, he was strong but soft and caring. He loved Jack and missed him so much.

The Captain backed out dropping his head walking back to his room. It's not like the other ghosts would miss him anyway. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Even Catherine has said something mean about him and he'd treated her with the most up right respect, just like any other gentleman should.

Walking back through the quiet house Alison noticed The Captain looking unusually casual and not as stiff as he would normally look in his tight greeny brown uniform.

'Wait up Cap' She shouted jogging towards him down the narrow corridor.

'Captain, if you please' The Captain replied. He voice trying to regain some authority.

Alison brushed the comment off and asked 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing wrong ma'am I'm in tip top condition.'

'Are you sure? I'm alway here if you need a chat. You know really appreciate your strategies and effort you put into the problems I've faced while being here.' Alison didn't want to pry and make The Captain aware that she knew of his changed behaviour.

'I'll be fine, if you excuse me.' The Captain turned of his heel and walked away, holding back the tears threating to spill over his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Captain has a chat with Alison but can't fathom why he would do what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw: Mention and description of self harm scars.

The Captain was back in his room regaining himself. He didn't often cry but when he did it didn't make him feel better, it made him feel worse and weaker.

'Men shouldn't cry. Get a grip you old man.' The Captain whispered to himself.  
He cleared his through and looked out the window on to the grounds. The rain was coming down heavy as the sun set, the house had a few leaks and smelt of damp but also a home. It the perfect time to go and do his nightly rounds, making sure all his family would be safe through the night. They may of mocked him but they were the only family he had.

On his nightly rounds, he walked up and down each corridor inspecting every nook and cranny. If the war had taught him anything it was that safety was a privilege, not a given. Walking down the landing he heard creaks and small mumbles.

The Captain turned, on high alert and sternly said  
'You there! Explain your presence and show your self!'

'I see no reason Cap, after all it's my house as well' The soft voice replied.

The Captain cringed at the nickname but new that voice anywhere. Alison.

'Ahhh dear Alison. What has you awake at this ungodly hour?'

'I could ask you the same thing' Said Alison walking down the stairs in the direction of the kitchen 'I actually couldn't sleep and thought I'd get a drink.'

The Captain followed her, still checking the area for any possible intruders, however this time checking as subtly as possible to stop Alison from noticing his weird habits. To no avail though as she asked in a curious tone 'Captain, what are you doing?'

He sighed moving his swagger stick under his arm and striaghted out his uniform. There was no escaping Alison's curiosity.

'If you must know... I'm checking the house for intruders, just like I do every night.' He'd dropped his first line of defence, why had he done this he questioned himself. Maybe he had grown to trust this women during her stay at the house. 

Alison chuckled entering the kitchen. He knew this was a bad idea and began to leave the kitchen. 

'Really?' Alison smirked but as soon as she saw The Captain's face drop and him revert back into his soilder self she'd regretted her own actions.  
'I mean, why?' she corrected.

The Captain didn't say anything just raised his eyebrows. He though to himself 'why wouldn't I'  
He rocked on his feet and thought about it all for a moment while Alison put the kettle on grabbing a chipped black mug from the cupboard.

'Well' The Captain started and Alison looked up but The Captain stood his ground 'when I was in the war it was a job of mine to make sure intruders weren't hiding in the trenches ready to attack, you can never take safety for granted.'

Alison carried on making her brew, mulling over what The Captain had just told her.  
'You know it's all safe in this house, no intruders.'

'We can never be too sure, we have to keep a close eye on our surrondings.'

'Yes, but Cap in all these years you've been here has there ever once been an intruder here to cause harm?' She asked.

'No, but we can never be to sure.' The Captain repeated. He lowered his voice and said in a sadden tone 'they're all the family I have left, I can't let them be put in harms way.'

Alison heard this and moved closer to The Captain, wishing the world she could embrace him in a warm hug.

'You know they may not show it but they see you as their family as well... I've heard what they say about you and I know that you hear them.' Alison calmly said.

'Now see here missy what they say does not effect me!' The Captain said rather quickly and defensively.

'Captain' oh it was never good when she called him that.

'This' she said motioning her hands towards the kettle 'is a nightly occurrence' he looked at her with a unpleasant look as if saying please don't 'I hear you nearly every night beating yourself up and crying.'

The Captain's face stayed frozen, hiding the shock and horror that someone had heard him being the weak, pathetic person he was.

'You must be mistaken, soldiers don't cry.' The Captain firmly said fiddling with his hands behind his back, his body becoming warmer and sweating, if that was even possible for a ghost.

'Captain I know about your habits and it is nothing to be ashamed of, these days men are allowed to talk about their feelings, it can help people feel not so alone.' Alison tried to be soft but she was also aware that The Captain may flee at any moment, like a spooked horse after a bomb.

'Ms Alison, you really wouldn't understand such a thing.'

'Try me.' Alison said rolling up her sleeves of each arm revealing faint scars that were white and fading more and more over time. The Captain starred for a moment before clearing his throat, clearly uncomfortable that Alison had showed him something that was so personal. The Captain had no words but placed his swagger stick onto the table and letting out a shakey breath. There was no turning back now. He looked away from Alison and took of his jacket and rolling up his sleeves to his elbows. Alison was shocked with what she saw. Blue, purple and red scars of different deepness and all in different stages of healing and scaring covered the man's arms.

'Why?' Alison choked out holding back tears. The strongest man that she new, who never once faltered, stood in front of her, arms scattered with scars of pain and hatred. She couldn't believe it.

The Captain couldn't look in Allison's direction, he knew he was a failure and now Alison new it too. He regreted his decision and before she could ask him anymore he fleed the kitchen leaving his jacket and swagger stick on the table. He couldn't face anyone anymore. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw: Mention of self harm and derogatory names. 
> 
> So I've been feeling exactly the same way as The Captain in this story at the moment so I'm really sorry if the chapter isn't great but I did enjoying writing it.

The Captain decided his room wasn't safe enough to run to. It was a predictable move and he couldn't risk being found by Alison or anyone. He'd just shown his weak side, why? He still doesn't know that. His mind was racing, he wanted to scream and really wish he was alive so he could have a cigarette.

The Captain thought about his best options of not being found until he wanted too. So he rolled down his sleeves and cursing himself for leaving his jacket and swagger stick on the kitchen table.  
He walked out the door into the softly moon lit garden and walked through the bushes hissing slightly as the nausea and pain hit him. A few minutes later he found himself infront of the lake and he sat down, watching the ripples move slowly dancing with the wind.

The Captain couldn't think straight, his mind packed with thoughts of what Alison would be thinking of him. He curled his knees towards his chest and rested his chin against them trying his best to calm his breathing, all while letting silent tears fall.

Meanwhile Alison was still stood in the kitchen with a now cold brew in her hands. She debated running after The Captain but decided against it, giving him the space he clearly wanted. While she did this she thought of reasons The Captain had for hurting himself. How had she not seen it before, the same symptoms she had years ago. Perhaps it was because The Captain talked with such ease and care, he was such a kind man, filled with pain that was all hidden with the mask he wore. The clock struck 4am and she knew there was no point going back to bed as the house would be awake in a few hours and she knew she had to find The Captain and make sure he was okay, so she held back a yawn and went to get changed quietly not to wake the sleeping Mike who was snoring like a lion growling at prey.

Alison headed back down the stairs grabbed a hoodie and headed outside in search of The Captain to bring him back to the house before the other ghosts awoke. She knew it'd make him feel worse knowing that the other ghosts saw him like this and without his blazer and swagger stick that never left his side.

'Captian' Alison shouted while walking through the gardens. 'Captain come on we don't have to talk if you don't want to but where the hell are you?'

Alison heard whimpers and headed in the direction of them. That's when she saw him. The Captain curled up in a ball crying with his shirt crumpled, his sleeves push down with his hands gripping the cuffs and his arms wrapped around his body.

'Cap' she started softly.

The Captain didnt hear her and stayed in the same position so Alison sat down on the ground and started talking 'It's a really nice lake you know.' The sudden realisation hit The Captian that a new body was sat next to him and he didn't look up, he just didn't move. What was the point anyway, there was no point running and hiding. There just was no point in anything.

'I know how you're feeling, the world hates you, everyone hates you, including yourself but truth being told Cap I wouldn't be here if I didn't care. I care about you. You've been like a dad figure to me, someone who's always been there, always helping out me and the others. I know they can be dicks to you but honestly they do care.' Alison really wished there was something more she could do for the man sat next to her.

The Captain didn't speak at first but lifted his head and wiped his eyes and Alison just smiled, her eyes saying take all the time you need.

The Captain let out a shaking breath and lowered his head slightly looking out onto the lake, the sun beginning to rise.

'You know back in the war it was a crime for me to express who I am, gay I mean. You probably know that, God the house all probably know. I try to hide it. I really do, I know it's wrong, but I did have a lover, his name was Jack. Strong arms, black hair but... he was shot, not by the enemy. No. He was shot by his best friend when he found out Jack was a homosexual. As a Captian I couldn't lose it, I had to congratulate the sinister man who had just shot my lover or I knew that would be my fate as well.'

The Captian hadn't stopped crying and he was now shaking, wishing he had joined Jack so at least they could be together for eternity then. He lifted his head and looked at Alison who said  
'There's nothing wrong with being gay, nothing wrong at all. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, I really am but it's okay now to love whom ever you want.' Alison didn't want to push anymore fearing it would cause The Captian to close up all together. 

This shocked The Captain but gave him the confidence to carry on 'I bet you're wondering why on earth my arms are you know... After Jack's death I couldn't live with myself. It started when I nicked myself on some barbed wire, I don't know why but the pain just felt like something I deserved. Thankfully due to all the bullets flying around and the shouts of men every night no one bothered to check on me so I just started finding new ways to feel pain. I didn't want to feel numb anymore. As one of the only Captain's on the front lines nobody questioned me taking a few extra bandages and due to my uniform it's extremly easy to hide the results of my weakness.'

This is where Alison butted in 'You are not weak. I know that must of been hard for you to share so thank you. Do the others know?'

The Captain shook his head and as if on cue Alison's morning alarm went off on her phone.

'That's fine, they don't have to know either, it can be our secret okay. We should head inside though, before the others wake up and we need to get ourselves cleaned up so it doesn't look strange.'

The Captain stood up and straighed his shirt and his tie and tried fixing his hair that his hands had been pushed through to many times. Alison led the way in to the house with The Captain following. He thought to himself that maybe Alison was right maybe the others did care. The two arrived back in the kitchen and The Captain started to get dressed agian straighting everything out and grabbing his swagger stick. He may of been dead but the night had taken a toll on him and he stifled back a yawn.

'Cap you know I am always here for a chat if you ever need one.' Alison looked at The Captain and he just smiled. She saw dark circles around his eyes that had begun to form from the possible days maybe weeks lack of rest. She knew in her head he couldn't physically be harmed by this but his mental health couldn't afford to drop any lower.

A few minutes later Thomas came into the kitchen and walked over to Alison.

'My dear, I hope you had a pleasent night full of rest and peace.' Thomas started. The Captain felt a sense of guilt as he'd kept Alison awake when she could of gone back to bed after her brew.

'It was a very pleasant night thank you. One of the best in a while.' She looked towards The Captain and smiled. Thomas looked over to him and scowled not noticing him earlier.

'Ah, did this man have you up all night. Damn you Captain keeping this lovely lady awake. Probably with your annoying cries and whimpers. Yes I know that you're truly a weak faggy man.'


	4. Chapter 4

The Captain was in shock and retreated from the room once saying 'If you excuse me.'

 

Thomas had hit a nerve there with Alison. After a night with The Captain learning about the other side no one else knew she'd grown to favour the man but that one word, faggy, that was definitely a word that would never be said agian in this house while she was alive.

 

'THOMAS!' Alison shouted. Thomas snapped his head towards her and looked slightly terrified. Alison began shouting and this brought the attention to Pat, Kitty, Julian, Fanny and Robin who all ran into the room to find an angry Alison shouting at a quiet Thomas. 

 

'What gives you the right to say those things? Would you like it if I called you names or abused your writing? No, you wouldn't. I do not want to hear you using that type of language in this house ever agian. From any of you. Unserstood.' The other ghosts looked shocked and confused as to why Alison was in the mood she was but they all nodded. Thomas sighed and nooded apologising to his dearest Alison. He knew he wasn't apologising to The Captain though, he had only said what he believed to be the truth. 

 

Pat raised his hand and Alison looked over to him 'I'm sorry to intrude in any way but what are we no longer aloud to say.'

 

'Ask your dear friend he, perhaps he would like to explain?' Alison crossed her arms and leaned back against the counter top.

 

'Erm... Yes well The Captain had kept Ms Alison awake all night.' This earned a little smirk from Julian but he soon lost it when Thomas carried on speaking. 'and I was rather annoyed by this fact so I may of called The Captain a fag.'

 

The group of ghosts all gasped, even Fanny knew that such a word should not be used to describe a homosexual man.

 

'What's a fag?' Kitty asked. 'I'm sorry to have said that word Alison please forgive me.' 

 

'It's quite alright Kitty you didn't say it with malicious intent. A fag is a derogatory name to call a person who is gay.' Alison knew that the ghosts knew that The Captain was gay so carried on with the conversation. 

 

'Thomas! That is truly a horrible thing to say. I know you may not get on with The Captain but he doesn't call you such names.' Kitty was just as shocked as the other ghosts at this point. 

 

'You do realise that if The Captain wants to bang another guy, we're not to judge, it's all fun.' Julian said. 

 

Thomas looked scared but also annoyed with what had just happened. Thomas tried to speak and talk to Alison but she just raised her hand and left the room running into a half awake Mike. 

 

Mike jumped and saw his wife stood infront of him 'Morning darling, you're up early and being shouty, is it the ghosts?' 

 

'Sorry if I woke you up, The Captain's just... You know it doesn't matter I'll tell you later but Thomas has just called Cap a fag and I just explained quite loudly to him that the word or it's meaning is welcome in this house.' 

 

Mike looked half asleep and opened his mouth in an O like shape. He just smiled looked around the room and then kissed his wife on the cheek, allowing him to sort his breakfast and allow Alison to go and find The Captain. Alison spent an hour looking for him, until she found him in a secret annexe on the top floor of the house. 

 

'Hey there Cap' Alison said softly. He just smiled but the smile didn't match what his eyes were saying. 'What Thomas said, he was wrong, I've even told him and the others that the type of behaviour he's shown is wrong.' 

 

The Captain raised his eyebrows and sat down and turned to her 'I'm sorry for keeping you awake. Maybe Thomas, that bastard, was right.' 

 

Allison's heart broke at the brokenness is The Captain's voice and how he looked so isolated. 'No, no, no. Cap. He was not right, he's just being mean and selfish.' 

 

The Captain broke down at these words. He just couldn't take it. He'd just been proven right by one of the men he hated most. The Captain just sat lifeless and numb, tears rolling down his face. All he wanted to do was run; run and never look back but he just didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. He just wasn't savouring life, or in his case death. Alison shimmed her way onto the floor next to The Captain staring down at her hands. 

 

'I told him off you know. I shouted and everything. It's not exceptable. He knows that now.' Alison still didn't really know what to say, she was normally the one having a break down and in need of comfort. It had never been this way around before. 

 

'Can we just sit here for a while? You don't have to if you don't want to sit with and old sad man like me.' The Captain's voice was monatone but had a quick pace. 

 

'I'd love too sit with you, us sad people have got to stick together.' Alison smiled slightly and lent closer to The Captain. 

 

They sat like that for a while, in silence enjoying each others company, until Alison spoke up 'Cap, can you tell me more about Jack?' 

 

The Captain spun his head in her direction. He missed Jack dearly and he smiled to himself, finally he could talk about the one man who he loved with all his heart. 

 

'Jack he was the greatest man that I'd ever had the pleasure of meeting. His eyes were the darkest shade of brown but they were filled with so much brightness, especially when the morning sun hit them. His hair was black and it was always perfectly styled, unless he was stressed, then it was messy and ruffled.' The Captain smiled and sighed. 'When he was stressed, he would wrinkle his brow and then pull a funny face that still looked so handsome. When he was happy his face, no matter what, would be plastered with a smile.' 

 

The Captain couldn't stop the small smile creep a roos his face, which he tried to hid from Alison by turning his head away from her. 

 

'It's okay to show your emotions once in a while.' 

 

The Captain suddenly felt uncomfortable but ran with it and asked 'Do you think you could talk to... You know what it doesn't matter, I'll deal with it.' 

 

'You sure?' Alison asked. 

 

The Captain nodded his head and stood up and brushed himself down. 'Thank you Alison for talking with me... Again.' 

 

'No worries Cap, anytime.' 

 

When The Captain walked out of his room with Alison opening the wooden door following they found the Julian stood outside on the landing. 

 

'Hey Captain, I just wanna say that what Thomas said was shit, I know, it hurt me to when Alison here told us what he'd said to you. I know it's a bit different and all as I'm bisexual but we've made sure he won't say it again.' Julian shifted his feet and adjusted his tie awkardly waiting for The Captain to shout at him. 

 

That never came, The Captain placed his hand on Julian's shoulder and thanked him, that's when Julian pulled him in for a hug embracing The Captain. After a few minutes and The Captain saw Alison walk away and smile, he remembered that she said it was okay for him to show his emotions once in a while. So that's exactly what he did, he loosened his stiff body and relaxed into the hug. Maybe things would be okay. 


End file.
